Lesson 4: These thoughts do not mean anything. They are like the things I see in this room [on this street, from this window, in this place].
The song Bette Davis Eyes is stuck in my head from a movie in which it was inaptly used as part of the score and which I watched last night with my sister and niece. The score was pretty bad overall, as was the movie.
I am worried that I should have gotten up and gone to the store instead of letting Mark go, but he insisted and I slept because I had (and still have) a headache and a sore throat, and was very tired. But I feel guilty because I imagine Mark must be tired as well.
My not feeling well this morning is almost certainly attributable to the enormous quantity of crappy food I ate yesterday, starting with some McDonalds fries and chicken nuggets shared with my sister and niece for lunch, followed by gummy bears I bought at Marshalls and finished with a *load of junk food and pizza chosen by Noona and paid for by my sister. I’m not sure I even enjoyed much of it, and I am again thinking: how will I ever get my weight under control if I cannot stick to my dietary commitments? I think about fasting and whether I should practice this discipline, if only for a day, to help me reset my mind and my relationship with food.
Lesson 4 Applications to Above Thoughts
This thought about Bette Davis Eyes does not mean anything.
This thought about bad movie scoring does not mean anything.
This worry about Mark does not mean anything.
This feeling of guilt does not mean anything.
This thought about my exhaustion does not mean anything, nor does my thought about Mark’s exhaustion.
This thought about junk food does not mean anything.
This thought about self-discipline does not mean anything.
This thought about diet and commitment does not mean anything.
This thought about fasting does not mean anything.
This thought about food does not mean anything.
This is a particularly timely lesson for me today, as I am struggling with upset over Mister Ex and child support. I do not want to stay in this angry and resentful place that swallowed me when I learned (accidentally – out of the mouth of babes) that he had somehow managed to put together the resources to buy a house, even though he hasn’t paid child support in full since January 2008. I do not want to stay in this angry place…but neither do I want to dishonor myself and put his needs above mine, when they are equal. Where do I go from here?
Lesson 5 Thoughts & Applications
Mister Ex’s historical and ongoing unpaid and underpaid child support makes me feel resentful.
I am not resentful about my unpaid child support for the reason I think.
The state of my finances makes me feel anxious.
I am not anxious about the state of my finances for the reason I think.
Mister Ex’s exaggeration of his financial contributions to raising our sons makes me furious.
I am not furious about Mister Ex’s exaggerations of financial support for the reason I think.
Mister Ex’s attacks upon me when I raise the subject of unpaid back child support make me feel both guilty and angry.
I do not feel guilty or angry with Mister Ex for the reasons I think.
Mister Ex spending money to take the boys to Starbucks, Disneyland, Legoland, movies while I can’t afford to do the same and he is not paying the child support he owes me makes me very angry.
I do not feel angry with Mister Ex for spending money for the reasons I think.
Mark occasionally puts pressure on me to press Mister Ex to pay the child support he owes.
I do not feel pressured for the reason I think.
My colleague’s office seems to deliberately act confused about scheduling responsibilities and push the work back on me.
I am not frustrated about the scheduling issues with my colleague’s office for the reason I think.
My laziness and lack of self-discipline regarding diet, exercise and my excess weight make me feel guilty.
I am not guilt-ridden about my diet, exercise and weight for the reason I think.
My parents ostracism and my sister’s moving out of the country just when I worked so hard and risked so much to move home felt like abandonment, and made me feel incredibly depressed – as if I had betrayed and failed Mark and all of our children.
I am not depressed about my family’s apparent abandonment for the reason I think.
My cat is very sick and I’m worried he will die; and my dog also seems to be losing his mind, and I am afraid we may need to put him down.
I am not fearful about my pets’ health for the reason I think.
When Mark talks about getting a new puppy, especially when he says it will have to be my puppy to train and care for, I feel intense anxiety and adamant refusal to accept this being forced on me.
I am not afraid of getting a new puppy for the reasons I think.
As I look at the enormously long list of complaints and negativity involving Mister Ex generated by today’s exercise, I realize what a drain it has been on my energy and creativity. I could have been focusing on the abundance I wish to create, and instead I allowed my thoughts to be consumed by ghosts of past wrongs and the impossible dream of making my ex see things my way and feel accountable for the pain he has caused me over the years. Once again, I need to let this go. I need to set myself free to experience this moment, and see what opportunities it brings.
Blogger Nicole Cody of Cauldron’s and Cupcakes blog of the day challenged readers to pick a power word for 2015, and my word jumped out at me immediately. My word for 2012 is NOW. All that stuff with my ex is in the past…and long may it live there! I am moving on.
Mister Ex, I forgive you. My only goal is to recognize that I am free of you. I don’t need your money (money doesn’t mean what I think it does, anyway) or anything else from you. I thank you for the two beautiful young men we gave birth to together, and for teaching me to release my fears and relearn the value of forgiveness. I am not angry or frustrated or resentful toward you, because I never was. I was angry with myself all along. From NOW on I let this go and leave it in my past. From NOW on, I choose now to be pleased with myself, and to use NOW and every NOW henceforth to be the kindest, most creative, most nurturing, most joyful version of myself that I can be.