I was only able to complete four or five of the six practice periods of Lesson 25 yesterday, and feel in need of a review of the lessons from the past few days. Mark and the boys have needed much from me and I have had no time for personal reflection and writing in the evenings. I am a deluded bundle of anxiety right now, because Mark did not go in to work last night and my ego self cannot see how we can manage without his income…nor, more importantly, how this family can function without his strength.
I recall as I write this and invocation written by Joseph, author of the blog One Light of Being here at WordPress. I met him recently through a comment he left on my blog, and these words express exactly what I feel right now, so I am going to share them here:
Dear Holy Spirit, today is a glorious new day full of opportunities to receive Your Help and Companionship as we walk together back Home. Yet my mind is still so undisciplined. My thoughts quickly lead me away from the Path of Peace when I do not look upon them with You. And how dramatic now do I see the difference my thoughts and Yours bring to my mind. You are a shining Light from which I hide when I entertain the false thoughts of my ego, and in hiding You, I hide the Peace and Joy which You bring for me. Today, I am determined to see with Your Holy Sight. I am determined to hear Your Holy Thoughts. I accept the gifts You bring and hold them out to the world that they may be received. I give your Love and forgiveness, that I recognize I have accepted what I give. Please enkindle my mind with Your Word, that the fire of Truth burn brightly there. If it is Your Will, let me share the Light of Truth here on this blog and inspire my brothers and sisters whom You direct to me. Through Your Holy Grace, Amen. (Invocation from One Light of Being, “Are You Invested in the Truth or In Debt to Death?)
January 16, 2015
Besides using it throughout the day as the need arises, five practice periods are required in applying today’s idea. As you look about you, repeat the idea slowly to yourself first, and then close your eyes and devote about a minute to searching your mind for as many attack thoughts as occur to you. As each one crosses your mind say:
I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts about ______.
Hold each attack thought in mind as you say this, and then dismiss that thought and go on to the next.
January 17, 2015
In applying the idea for today, name each situation that occurs to you, and then enumerate carefully as many goals as possible that you would like to be met in its resolution. The form of each application should be roughly as follows:
In the situation involving ______, I would like ______ to happen, and ______ to happen,
and so on. Try to cover as many different kinds of outcomes as may honestly occur to you, even if some of them do not appear to be directly related to the situation, or even to be inherent in it at all.
January 18, 2015
Six practice periods, each of two-minutes duration, are required. Each practice period should begin with a slow repetition of the idea for today, followed by looking about you and letting your glance rest on whatever happens to catch your eye, near or far, “important” or “unimportant,” “human” or “nonhuman.” With your eyes resting on each subject you so select, say, for example: I do not know what this chair is for. I do not know what this pencil is for. I do not know what this hand is for.
Say this quite slowly, without shifting your eyes from the subject until you have completed the statement about it. Then move on to the next subject, and apply today’s idea as before.
Thoughts and Applications
I am anxious as to my family’s financial wellbeing due to Mark’s illness, emotional fragility and continued drinking, thought it is lighter than before.
- Lesson 23: I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts about my family’s financial wellbeing. I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts about Mark’s weaknesses. I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts about money. I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts about alcohol. I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts about codependence.
- Lesson 24: In the situation involving Mark, I would like to see him stop drinking on work nights, I would like to see him go to work reliably for every shift, I would like to see him look diligently for a better job that will make him happy, I would like to see him strong enough to stay in his job and deal with the separation that creates for us a few days a week without panicking, I would like him to stop feeling jealous and fearful of losing me, I would like to take back full control of the family finances, I would like Mark to start managing the family finances correctly, I would like Mark to stop treating payment due dates as negotiable, I would like for myself to stop worrying about all of these things and be at peace so I can understand what the Holy Spirit would guide me to do rather than all these crazy thoughts that my ego would have me chase around, and I would like to cry. I would like to stop having so many of the things I wish for be about Mark’s behavior and instead I would like to start hearing my own inner guidance.
- Lesson 25: I do not know what this keyboard is for. I do not know what this article is for. I do not know what this blog is for. I do not know what my painting is for.
I do know that I decided to relax and have some wine this weekend. I had one glass on Friday, one glass on Saturday, and finished the bottle over the course of Sunday afternoon and evening. I also bought bottle of Kringle Kreme (a sort of Nordic hazelnut version of Irish Cream) and had a couple of shots of that on Friday and again on Sunday. And I know that I was relaxed and having a lot of fun painting and so forth, and that watching me have so much fun is a big part of what made Mark especially hate going to work last night. So I guess that just reinforces my idea: no matter how responsibly I drink, alcohol just poisons my life. I need to remember this if I am tempted to enjoy even a glass or two again in the future: alcohol poisons my life.
Also, I think that I must ask the Holy spirit for guidance as to my financial situation – whether it is to create or find an additional source or sources of income, or to let go of everything and start over with whatever I am given. It is time. Amen.