January 26, 2015
A full five minutes should be devoted to the morning and evening applications. In these practice periods, the idea should be repeated as often as you find comfortable, though unhurried applications are essential. Alternate between surveying your outer and inner perceptions, but without an abrupt sense of shifting…
The shorter exercise periods should be as frequent as possible. Specific applications of today’s idea should also be made immediately [the instant you are aware of distress: There is another way of looking at this.]
I spent a lot of time repeating this idea to myself today as I waited for news from the nursing unit as to Mark’s patient status. With the impending snowstorm, Mark and I were both anxious that the boys not be left home alone, and it was impossible for the clinicians to tell us if and when Mark would be discharged; but by about 11:30, the cardiac catheterization had not been completed and we figured his chances of going home were slim to nil. I planned to leave at 1:30 and buy a few bundles of firewood on my way home. At 1:10 I got a call from the surgeon saying the cath was done and they didn’t find any reason to put in a stent – possibly a false positive on his stress test last week. (There is another way of looking at the world.) Three hours later Mark and I left together, racing through the snow, but not before I spent too much energy stressing out about Mark’s health and lack of a clear diagnosis, and worrying that we’d get stranded in Springfield, leaving the boys alone in the house during a major snowstorm and the potential for loss of power and heat.
There is another way of looking at the world. Stay in the present and trust.
Worry – projecting the past onto the future – changes nothing, except for destroying my peace of mind in the present. I could have done without it entirely.
January 27, 2015
Some five minutes of mind searching are required for each of the longer practice periods. Search your mind for fear thoughts, anxiety-provoking situations, “offending” personalities or events, or anything else about which you are harboring unloving thoughts. Note them all casually, repeating the idea for today slowly as you watch them arise in your mind, and let each one go, to be replaced by the next… The shorter applications are to be frequent, and made whenever you feel your peace of mind is threatened in any way. The purpose is to protect yourself from temptation throughout the day. If a specific form of temptation arises in your awareness, the exercise should take this form: I could see peace in this situation instead of what I now see in it.
Mark seem to need to borrow creativity and then channel it through me. Doesn’t he trust himself?! Why does he make such a show of quoting favorite phrases in stentorious tones, pulling himself up to full height and puffing out his chest, casting intense glances to various members of his audience in an apparent endeavor to be impressive: as if he can somehow obtain of their power for himself. I could see peace instead of this disdain…aggravation…exhaustion…resentment.
He woke me up at 2am to make me come down and write a quote for him on a huge sheet of paper… then had to figure the whole thing out while I sat there. I was exhausted and aggravated: yes he just got out of the hospital, but he didn’t have to go to work in the morning! I contemplated my irritation at his turn of phrase: first too elaborate, trying too hard; then, several minutes after I have proposed a straightforward version of the idea, he comes back with “Aha, this is it…the simplicity!”
I felt used…I feel as though he should at the very least not borrow someone else’s words and rephrase them. I could see peace instead of this.
I don’t know how to tell him no. I could see peace instead of this.
Aras is out shoveling…Mark is still nursing an arterial wound from his catheterization. I could see peace instead of this.
I am worried about money I feel protective of my writing thoughts while Aras interrupts…I could see peace instead of this.
I feel a generalized anxiety that something about my very brain is wrong…I am not in love, I am calling for love…Spirit, help me, judge for me…I could see peace instead of this situation as I see it…
I could even let this go as it is in the past, and come instead into the now…does this lesson even make sense? Dredging up past things that hurt me when I am trying to learn to be in the present seems counterproductive…but I guess I am still harboring these negative feelings and they need to be sought out and cleaned out and I need to return my mind to love, to place them on the altar of God’s Love and let them burn in the eternal fire of love to light my mind and the world.
I could see peace instead of this.